“Positivity is not positive when it denies, invalidates, or minimizes authentic human emotions.”
“Optimism is not helpful when it makes people feel shame, guilt, or invalidated for feeling a certain way.”
“Hope is not useful when it does not allow for the natural rise and fall of emotions or when it ignores the gravity of a situation.”
“Stoicism is not brave or courageous when it forces you to stuff down your real, true emotions and be inauthentic and incongruent with what you really feel.”
“Perspective is not supportive when it marginalizes your experience.”
These five initial statements were taken from the article Toxic Positivity: Why Being Positive Could Be Bad Sometimes, by Tracy Kennedy. I chose them as the initial quote because I believe they synthesize the notion of Toxic Positivity.
If you have read any of my blog posts you can conclude that I am all for positive thinking, a healthy mindset, and their direct impact on our overall health. However, I am also an advocate for personal growth and character evolution, always looking for ways to improve myself.
Lately, I have come across many articles mentioning “toxic positivity” so I decided to explore this topic.
Although I fully support positive psychology, and we all know the benefits of positivity and optimism-there are times when these traits are not only unhelpful but can be destructive and harmful.
The current piece will dig a little deeper into the topic of toxic positivity: why being positive could be harmful. How can it affect our lives, and what can we do to avoid the positive trap. I will be discussing the signs; how to tell if you are displaying toxic positivity, whether you are spreading it to others or turning it to yourself. Finally, I will offer alternatives and how to avoid this harmful practice.
What is Toxic Positivity?
We all know that having a positive outlook on life is good for your mental well-being. The problem is that life isn’t always positive. We all deal with painful emotions and experiences. Those emotions, while often unpleasant, are important and need to be felt and dealt with openly and honestly.
When there is certainly something to be said for having a sunny disposition on life, it’s also possible to overdose on the sickeningly sweet nectar of platitudes such as ‘everything is wonderful!’
The term “toxic positivity” has received a good deal of attention lately. Many of us have suffered hardship, anxiety, and low mood during the pandemic but have forced ourselves or been pushed or urged by someone else to swallow those feelings and to count ourselves lucky. We have also watched others seemingly thrive during this time, revealing lockdown achievements and enjoying their time as the world’s happiest family, often projecting false realities.
Toxic positivity has also flourished because of social media that often only show us at our best in the moments we want to share. This kind of positivity-overload encourages a comparison culture and has made us far more critical of ourselves. We feel pressured to be positive all the time and feel like failures when we are having a dreadful day, week, or month.
Toxic positivity is the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations.
The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.
When positivity is used to cover up or silence the human emotional experience, it becomes toxic. If we disallow the existence of certain feelings, we fall into a state of denial and repressed emotions.
Positivity becomes toxic when someone is forced to be or seem to be positive in situations that it would be unnatural for them to be positive about, or when a problem exists that needs to be acknowledged before it can be dealt with. For example, the diagnosis of disease.
It’s a fact that humans are flawed. We get jealous, angry, resentful, and greedy. Sometimes life simply sucks. Positivity has a time and a place, and if timed or relied on in an inappropriate situation, positivity has the potential to be dangerous. By pretending that we are happy-go-lucky all day, we deny the validity of a genuine human experience.
Avoiding negative emotions only makes them bigger and can have mental health consequences later on.
Processing your emotions, both good and bad, can promote resilience and may help you connect better with others.
By avoiding difficult emotions, you lose valuable information. Emotions themselves are information. They give you a snapshot of what is going on at a particular moment, but they don’t tell you exactly what to do.
One approach to mindfulness is to look at emotions as tools or information, rather than focusing only on how they make you feel.
All emotions are functional and have a purpose. They are a signal to the person experiencing them or the person being communicated to.
Negative emotions like anger or fear serve to alert us about the potential danger or threat, whereas positive emotions like happiness foster connection and opportunities to be creative.
In his article Toxic Positivity: Don’t Always Look on the Bright side, Konstantine Lukin says, “When people don’t pay attention to negative feelings, and then come across to others like they don’t have them, it makes them less approachable and relatable. These people probably give off the impression that they don’t have any problems, which most people can sense is not the case. You might find such a person annoying or difficult to connect with. Imagine trying to have a meaningful relationship with someone who ignored sadness or anxiety.”
Signs: How to identify toxic positivity
Below are some common expressions and experiences of toxic positivity to help you recognize how it shows up in everyday life.
- Hiding or masking your true feelings
- Trying to “get on with it” by dismissing an emotion
- Feeling guilty for feeling what you feel
- Minimizing other people’s experiences with “feel good” quotes
- Trying to give someone perspective (e.g., “it could be worse”) instead of validating their emotional experience
- Shaming or chastising others for expressing frustration or anything other than positivity
- Brushing off things that are bothering you with an “It is what it is” perspective
Signs you are offering toxic positivity
When you are trying to offer support to someone, remind yourself that you don’t need to make them always feel better.
Here are some common sayings that contribute to toxic positivity:
- It could be worse
- The grass is always greener on the other side
- Look on the bright side
- At least you are out of the hospital
- It will be fine
- God has a plan
- Everything happens for a reason
Another face of toxic positivity is what could be called compulsory happiness. It is the expectation that we would be cheerful and upbeat regardless of what we are really feeling. It’s the idea that showing up with a smile is polite, and that your personal hardships and difficult feelings should be kept to yourself.
Many of us have learned to swallow feelings of sadness, fear, and anger. To keep calm and carry on.
Toxic positivity, however, has a negative impact resulting in denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human experience.
When you ignore an uncomfortable feeling, it doesn’t just disappear into thin air. It might just build un beneath the surface and increases stress. Suppressing emotions can lead to increased anxiety and depression, disrupted sleep and overall worsening of mental health.
Accepting the discomfort and understanding your feelings, you can begin to work through the stressors and heal from them.
Consequences of toxic positivity
- It’s shaming. When someone is suffering, they need to know that their emotions are valid and that they can find relief and love in their friends and family. Toxic positivity tells people that the emotions they are feeling are unacceptable.
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, harmful behavior than the solution or the cure.
Shame can make us pretend everything is great all the time, instead of being brave and honest.
- It causes guilt. It sends a message that if you aren’t finding a way to feel positive, even in the face of tragedy, that you are doing something wrong. It avoids authentic human emotion: Toxic positivity functions as an avoidance mechanism.
Pain is part of the human experience. It may not always be comfortable, but most of us have experienced grief, frustration, sorrow, and danger, as well as the more pleasant emotions. It’s healthy to experience a range of emotions. As human beings, it’s nearly impossible to avoid unpleasant emotions. Life is full of ups and downs. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
- It prevents growth. It allows us to avoid feeling things that might be painful, but it also denies us the ability to face challenging feelings that can ultimately lead to growth and deeper insight.
The “positive vibes only” mantra can be particularly grating during times of intense personal distress. When people are coping with situations such as financial troubles, job loss, illness, or the loss of a loved one, being told that they need to look on the bright side can seem downright cruel.
What to do instead. The alternatives
Accepting difficult emotions helps with coping and with decreasing the intensity of those emotions. Getting things off your chest, including negative things, is like lifting a weight from your shoulders, even if it’s more difficult than pretending everything is fine.
If you have been affected by toxic positivity-or if you recognize this kind of behavior in yourself- there are things that you can do to develop a healthier, more supportive approach.
- Practice mindfulness
The goal with mindfulness is to be aware of the truth of what’s happening and what you are experiencing and then choose those emotions as they are.
Learning to cultivate awareness and acceptance of negative emotions rather than cramming them down or shoving them away with positivity is a good first step to avoiding toxic positivity.
- Be realistic about what you should feel
When you are facing a stressful situation, it’s normal to feel stressed, worried, or even fearful. Focus on self-care and taking steps that can help improve your situation.
- Cultivate self-compassion
Part of what can be dangerous about positivity is the expectations that it creates. For instance, you might have unrealistic expectations that you should be positive all the time, be thankful for everything, or always be in a good mood. That’s a huge amount of pressure to put on yourself and if you fail, it might even start to hurt your self-esteem.
That’s why self-compassion can be a good antidote to toxic positivity. Don’t forget to be nice to yourself and be compassionate with yourself when you are having negative emotions.
In short: embrace all emotions, be authentic, don’t compare yourself to others, if you are talking to others, listen; be aware that social media does not project a true reality, take healthy steps, shift the focus on mental health.
Examples of non-toxic acceptance and validation
With recognizing certain statements as toxic comes the capability of modifying language to create less damaging talk. Instead of using toxic positivity statements, alternative statements that validate someone’s emotions and experiences can be used, such as:
“Describe what you’re feeling, I’m listening.”
“I see that you’re really stressed, anything I can do?”
“Failure is part of growth and success.”
“I am here for you through both good and bad.”
“Everyone’s story, abilities, limitations are different, and that’s okay.”
“Suffering is a part of life; you are not alone.”
“I see you. I’m here for you.”
“Sometimes we can draw the short straw in life. How can I support you during this hard time?”
“That sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
The takeaway
Positivity isn’t bad. It is only harmful if it is disingenuously encouraged and when it dismisses other emotions. Thinking positively and encouraging positive vibes has its time and place. Toxic positivity is often subtle, and we have all engaged in this type of thinking at one point or another. By learning to recognize it, however, you will be better able to rid yourself of this type of thinking and provide more authentic support when you are going through something that isn’t easy.
It’s all about balance. Being a healthy human being involves being conscious of ourselves and how we show up in the world. If you recognize yourself as a transmitter of toxic positivity, it’s time to cut it out. You are hurting yourself and the people you care about the most, by insisting on this monochromatic mindset. Instead, aim for balance and the acceptance of both good and bad emotions rather than all-or-nothing thinking.