Dating in your 5

                

And the Challenges (and Joys) that Come with it

Whether you are single, recently divorced, separated, widowed, or just haven’t found the right person yet, it is fair to say that dating these days, regardless of age, it’s a difficult task. Add being in your 50s to the mix, and it gets even more challenging. The older you are, the more complicated dating typically seems. For those women 50 or over who are just reentering the dating scene, it’s hard to know what to expect. The whole dating game has changed so much in the past two decades or so. In many ways, dating men is still the same as when you were in your 20s or 30s-communication is paramount; intimacy could still be tricky or uncomfortable-. Although with age and experience come some key differences, dating in your 50s could be a lot of fun in a lot of ways. There are many advantages of dating a 50-something-year-old woman. Although considering the challenges, we should also focus on the positive side of things. Dating doesn’t have to be a drag.

The following article will provide some valuable information about middle-aged women and the dating scene. I will also include some practical advice -what to do and what not to do- when it comes to dating, plus a list of facts that make dating difficult for this decade. It boils down to what are the challenges when you find yourself single and dating in your 50s, and most importantly, what are the advantages. Ultimately, it is up to you how you approach your dating life. But remember, intuition and common sense will always work in your favor when it comes to this issue, well, and most aspects of life.

What are the challenges of dating in your 50s?

So, the rules (hello technology!) of the game have changed but so have we-so let’s make the difficulties turn into advantages. According to therapists, couple counselors, and relationship coaches, dating is so much harder at mid-life. Following are some factors that contribute to making dating later in life more challenging:

• Lack of confidence. This one is a big one. You may feel afraid and self-conscious or limited and too old for the dating game. Don’t let that stop you from living your life. Says Lynell Ross, health and wellness coach, “by the time people get to their 50s, they are usually not just older and wiser, but they are kinder, more forgiving, and more understanding. If you can be open to new possibilities, dating can be easier as you get older.
• You feel out of practice or disconnected from the dating scene. The insecurity of feeling like you’ve been out of the game too long can make you feel like giving up before starting a new relationship. Says Clarissa Clouston, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, “it can be tempting to give up on over 50s dating if you have a disastrous first date. However, ‘disastrous’ first dates do not always mean that there is no potential in a relationship forming. First dates can go poorly for several reasons, and anxiety is a very common one.
• You put a lot of pressure on yourself. This fact can be particularly damaging for women-although is common ground for men as well. – Facing a lot of negative self-judgment makes it challenging to attract the love you deserve. Relax! Stop focusing on your flaws or undesirable personality traits. It’s time to let go of the troubling emotions.
• Baggage. Many single women over 50 are divorced and come to the dating scene with an ex and kids. There is the challenge of finding someone who will accept your children. Even if you have never been married and have no children, chances are that you have plenty of relationship experience by the time you hit 50. These past relationships inevitably impact the realities of dating later in life. However, experts agree that bonding over your baggage is never a good way to start a new relationship.
• Emotional drainage. Many of us must juggle romance with the responsibility of caring for children or parents. All these stressors impact the emotional energy left over for the relationship.
• Compromising could be harder. I think this factor is very important. By the time you are in your 50s, you have developed some set patterns of behavior and feeling; you are much more set in your ways and values. This fact, plus a decreased patience, can make you less flexible to accommodating someone else into your life. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing; it just means that it can be harder to get into the flow of dating.
• The rules of the game have changed. The etiquette that defined courtship and when you first started dating are long gone. The rules of dating have changed, and we need to learn new rules. The technology component of dating (and some of you may dread it) can deter women over 50 from getting back into the game. Many middle-aged women are afraid of online dating.  Warns expert Kevin Darne, “the person who is unwilling to learn or make adjustments is likely to face more challenges in the dating scene.”
• The dating pool is smaller. This fact can prove downright daunting. Says expert Dana McNeil, “acting from a scarcity mindset means we may overlook some red flags.” Once more, think positively and focus on who is available to you.
• You may just be avoiding being alone. This factor affects men as much as women. Some of us feel thrilled to be single and mingling in our 50s. However, many are afraid of being alone, which might compromise their decision-making. Many middle-aged people make the mistake of rushing into the next relationship so they don’t feel alone.

On the flip side, the age 50-plus daters (men and women alike) seem to be pretty savvy when choosing a date-mate. Nearly 60 percent say they make better decisions about compatibility now compared to when they were younger. Most people want to find a friend or a life partner and meet the dates who may fulfill this desire. According to statistics, most 50-somethings -80 percent- do it the old-fashioned way through family and friends-. One quarter uses online dating.

Dos and Don’ts of Dating in your 50s

Dating at midlife may not be a walk in the park; however, it means taking control of your love life. It means being kind to yourself and the men you meet. Ultimately it means to make good choices.

Here is a list of Dating Dos and Don’ts exclusively for women like you and me. This advice is for the woman who is done repeating the same mistakes (believe me, I’ve been there) and is ready to find her grown-up love story.

1. Do establish your goals and make your list. Be clear about your needs, wants deal breakers. Don’t be afraid to make your needs known.
2. Do be optimistic. Dates are research; learn from them.
3. Do flirt like a grown-up. Keep your body language open and compliment him. Men like it! Always bring your femininity to all your dates.
4. Do start by finding two or three things you like about him. Start off with the positive and try to stay in discovery mode before deciding he’s not suitable for you.
5. Do make yourself look nice in something you feel good and comfortable in. Choose something that shows off your figure and makes you look feminine and casual at the same time.
6. Do whatever it takes to boost your self-esteem. Please read some of my previous posts to gain information about this issue.
7. Do focus on the other person. Listen and find out all about them, rather than impressing them about yourself. But make sure you get to talk about yourself in a meaningful way.
8. Don’t bond over your baggage. Nothing positive can possibly come from this. Steer clear of these topics until you know each other better.
9. Don’t call him if he doesn’t call you. I know it’s tempting; you had a great date and want to see him again. Men know who and what they want, often better than we do.
10. Don’t have sex until you are ready. Go slow and say no. When it comes to sex, you are in the driver’s seat, and you should determine the direction and speed.

In short, show up to your dates open, happy, and being your already charming self. Even if he is not Mr. Right, there is something valuable to learn from each date. Your optimistic attitude will bring the best in him and insure that you both have the best time possible.

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Conclusion

The most important thing to remember when you are dating over 50 is that this is supposed to be fun, so enjoy yourself. Smile, laugh, have a wonderful time. At this age, your needs aren’t the same as they once were. When you are older and are finished (or almost finished) raising children, have an established career, and don’t believe you ever want to combine finances, dating becomes something you do for fun and enjoyment. There is a ton of benefits to being with a single woman in her 50s. These days, the 50s isn’t old. You are at an age where you have lived a pretty rewarding life so far, but you are still eager to see what’s ahead.

In future blog posts, I will continue to talk about things to know about single women 50 and beyond and a list of things women should know about men in their 50s, their needs, and their wants. Dating is not a one-dimension issue. Remember, it takes two to tango.

As always, let’s get inspired and keep a positive attitude!